So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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