I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
