"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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