apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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