shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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