Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize