apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
