bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
