Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
