A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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