I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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