yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
