Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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