he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
