Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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