Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
