to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
