...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
