When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
