Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
