i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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