Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
