i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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