dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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