My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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