There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
