she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize