Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
