Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
