I haven't been this sober since birth.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
