keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
