She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
