How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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