I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
