i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
