my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
