I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
