If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
