the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
