Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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