My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
