I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
