4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
