I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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