I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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