the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
