I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
