I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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