My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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