yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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