Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
