My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
