It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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