I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
