I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
