Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
