Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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