turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
