life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
