naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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