The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
