The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's official drugs can't kill me
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
